My Emotionally Abusive Father

Can the author of this post relate to a parent who has really ABUSED them? I'm not talking about a parent who merely has episodes of being cranky, or neglectful, but consistently and maliciously ABUSIVE. I think not. Any reputable therapist would advise a victim of such a situation to cut all ties to such a person. However, the author flippantly makes a reference to the "martial arts" and states that no matter what you do, you are obligated to subject yourself to an abusive parent. That type of tolerance--tolerance for unrepentant sinfulness--despite the obvious emotional (and physical) pain it causes the abused, is NOT a Torah prinicple. I encourage all those abused by family members to cease all contact with their unrepentant abusers, and seek a professional counsellor to start the healing process.

Hi everyone, I have a very abusive parents and I don't know what I can do about it. My dad always calls me 'unlucky' instead of my name and he tries to control me all the time; he looks in his cars back mirror and tells me how he hates to see me and how his eyes hurt to see me. I cried all the time when I was younger but now I no longer cry, my parents told me to go and die number of times and I myself stood on top of a 6 floor building thinking that maybe I can find peace if I die but I thought there were more to see in life but I didn't realize there were only more abuse. Now, when I try to go out with friends, my parents told me to come by 7p.m. or they will call police and report me missing, but I finish work at 6p.m. and how do I come before 7? They paid half of my university tuition and now they're holding me financially telling me to pay all the tuition back before I can leave. They take all my wages and leaves me with 20$ from my wage. I have to report and explain all the reasons when I need money. I'm taking yoga classes now and my dad doesn't like it so he told me to quit and has been in continuous argument with him regarding this. I thought I could find some peace through meditation and easy exercise. I don't know what I can do? in our country there's no legal system protecting human rights, I am at the point where I'm constantly thinking of suicide. and what could be an easier way of finding peace? Is it worth living when even my family hates me?

This made me very upset. I also have abusive parents, but I probably would have killed myself already if I had to live with them. I assume you are of age since you went to college and they have no legal bounds to tell you what you can and can't do. The first thing you need to do is leave and get away from them. You can't have a life until you do that, and they will continue to exert their sick power and control over you until you leave.

Do you have anywhere else to live? It I'm 23 and have been living with my mother who has a mental illness and a personality disorder. my father moved out 2 years ago and i've been the main subject of abuse (not as obvious as you describe mine was more under-handed, manipulative) it took me 6 years to finally pick up and leave. (and i am taking it very hard especially being the oldest girl and leaving siblings behind) but the thing that's been getting me through this is having other families to rely on that are 'normal', relying on their constant support, their open door and knowing that whatever help i need i can go to them, find yourself a 'safe family' where you can have a healthy relationship with a 'trusted adult' (the trust may not come right away) but allow yourself to develop a solid relationship and I wish you much success in finding a healthy emotional life!

While some mothers have issues, I am in a dysfunctional situation where the father ducks, dodges, all accountability of his emotional abuse wielded on his innocent daughter. She has had to endure so much psychological abuse, ie, "I saved you from being the abortion your mother wanted you to be", (snearing). Thats the one that has made most men cry who have known us. She's only known him 2 years through the courts after filing for his rights from a prison cell. I am her mother and in over a decade I never badmouthed him or his family but the courts have embraced his "want' to be in his childs life. They rally around him allowing this behavior and sucking the love, light and joy right out of her life. I no longer promote him. I can honestly after not caring enough to hate him, I hate him. Her self esteem has been thrown in the toilet along with her happiness. She has no voice and no protection. He rides on her back to sound as if he a shred of integrity or honor "only wanting to know his daughter". When in fact he's exacting his revenge on me through her and all coddle him since it sounds so good against mean ol' me. His threats are exactly what he has done 12 years later. She had no right to be happy and loving because he has DNA. He was welcome if he wanted to add to her life. I would've happily embraced that effort. But I know him and he scares me. Oh and she doesn't know he threatened to cut her from my stomach and murder us after poking holes in a condem trying to entrap me and I refused a marriage proposal. So don't listen to the guy dying to pin it all on mothers. Shame on all who hurt children knowingly and I pray for the real GOD not their fake God to take care of what the courts have done to these children with. If it walks like a duck??? DUCK? probably

Ever since I was a little I remember my father fighting with my mom trying to control her and manipulate her. As I grew older he started to abuse me, emotionally and physically. He would throw chairs and tables at me. My 2 other siblings are scared that this will happen to them so they are basically slaves to my dad so he won't hurt them. He manipulates them and my mother to hate me and to hit me. I am now 18, and this is still going on. I feel like I am at my breaking point.

Parents are not perfect. I recently tracked down my Jewish absentee father after 40 years to get medical background info. within 5 minutes of talking to him i understood why my mother never looked for him. Sad to say, but sometimes that great cosmic machine produces a dud. at 68, my father is not going to have an Oprah-induced "aha" moment. He's not going to change. I consider myelf lucky that this is the worst thing I've ever had to deal with.

Do not remain silent in the face of a human rights abuse, even if speaking out consists of sending a letter of protest. Many legislative bodies have issued directives forbidding racial and religious discrimination and hatred. silence, said Elie wiesel, a nazi concentration camp survivor and Nobel peace Laureate, encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.

My father is also very abusive both emotional,verbally and psychologically, and the worst thing that he could have ever done to his own adult child is to me and in my eyes is the unforgivable sin against me, he has legally petitioned the court to have a legal guardian over me and all because he he is the cruelest and cold-hearted man , I am of age and I am very competent and very intelligent and i've never ever been in trouble with the law ever never i'm a law abiding citizen but what happened to me can easily happen to any of us, and it's guardianship abuse , Guardianship abuse occurs when people use a system set up to protect vulnerable citizens to steal from them instead after they have them committed to guardianship where they are powerless to defend themselves. they are deprived of all civil, constitutional and human rights. this horrific crime is perpetrated against vulnerable citizens because of pure greed. perpetrators use guardianships and conservatorships to steal peoples lives so they can steal their money. It can happen to anyone. example? just look at mrs. britney spears:( I'm wanting to speak up and out about guardianship and the dangers that it can have and bring when used for the wrong reasons, and in my case this was only used to further the abuse so i wanted to share this with you because it is another form of modern-day slavery. and must be abolished asap. thank you.

sorry folks, but as the wife of a divorced dad who is loving and caring and supportive and kind, I have experienced first hand the cruelty, emotional and psychological abusive of my step-children by their mother. I have also had my eyes open to the myriads of women who emotionally abuse their children, who propagandize against the fathers and create parent alienation against the fathers by bad-mouthing and lying about the fathers. My step-children will, g-d forbid, end up like the respondents of this article, not due to their loving, caring and kind father, but due to their own mother, who lies, distances herself from the children, manipulates them (we had to beg her to come to her own sons recent bar mitzvah in July!) and when she is done manipulating the children and estranging them from their father, she chews the kids up and spits them out, causing them to crave her sick attention. Meanwhile, the childrens loving and good father, gets taken for granted. Respondents, look at your mothers, you will probably see the abuse originates with them.

I don't like Anonymous' post because it seems he believes it always to be the mother. My mom tried hard to involve my father and, after she died, things got really bad when we went to live with our father, as then the emotional abuse turned violent. My mom was not the one at fault, but my father was the one responsible for his behavior. As an adult, my father has stolen money from his children, lied about us, and lies to us constantly. It is because my mother wanted me to keep trying that I did not give up entirely on the relationship. Your comment shows a prejudice that forgets that there is a difference between your personal situation and what others experience. Just because one father is loving and kind does not mean all fathers are loving and kind. I have friends who had wonderful fathers and terrible mothers, some who got wonderful parents across the board, and then there are some like me, who had great mothers and not so wonderful fathers. My mom was not perfect, but she was not to blame for my father's lies, his lack of paying child support (A mere $75 a month and it went unpaid for years.), or the fact he never once came to a school assembly, despite my calling to tell him about every single one of them before they happened. When he remarried, he did not even bother to tell us, although he claims otherwise. Your situation does not define the experiences of others.

I was a victim of an emotionally abusive father. I feel this period of my life,from 7 to 21 years of age has affected my trust in people over the years. I am now quite elderly. He has been dead for many years but I cannot forget those early years. I tell myself "let it go".but still feel the hurt and of keeping out of his way as much as possible in my growing years.

It really is something that takes so much out of you as the victim. I'm 46 and now is that I'm able to stand up to my father and tell him to stop all he does that hurts me or he will definately lose the only daughter he has. It has been quiet for a few days and it all appears to be well but if i have learned something is that with no warning the verbal and emotional abuse will come again. Because unless he changes it won't stop. I know for a fact he doesn't want to change. Therefore you are right, separation is the way to go in order to achieve self preservation. Sad but true. Also, prayer so that you won't become bitter and hateful. Because like the doctor says "bitterness and hatefulness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

I totally feel for you. My father is much the same as yours and is also very wealthy. I'm also 50 years old and have put up with his verbal and emotional abuse for my entire life. At this late date, I am learning acceptance of who he is. I moved about 800 miles away from home in order to detach and to avoid being drawn into the drama he seems to so enjoy creating. After everything my father has put me through I don't want to alienate him now and risk is anger so that he decides to cut me out of his will. I worked for him for years without pay and genuinely feel like I earned my share after putting up with all the horrible things he put me and my sister through. He also badgered my mother into an early grave after breaking her spirit down so she felt worthless and ended up drinking her herself to death. People like my dad are experts at creating chaos, making sure you are always walking on eggshells and if somehow you managed once to gain the upper hand or the sympathy of an outsider, he would be punitive to the degree that you'd never dare again to cross him. He always manages to squash any show of independence. The only way I was able to escape this was to move far away and phone once a month to say hello. Our relationship has never been better.

Why is the writer and everyone commenting going around in circles making excuses? The person is an adult (50) and should grow up and act like one. Everyone talks like the past makes us who we are and we are slaves to that: I have many friends who have undergone horrendous abuse but who are wonderful parents. Her father is selfish and self-centred and being rich means he believes he can afford to be. When he snaps she should just put him in his place and tell him he has to respect her if he likes it or not. She should not keep allowing him to abuse her because soon her children will not respect her either and do the same.

I am also a victim of an emotionally abusive father, and my expression of opinions and repeated standing up to him has only fueled his anger and hatred. I've realized that for these kind of fathers, detachment is necessary. These fathers view their own families as scum, inferior to everyone else in the world. Limited, if not no contact with such fathers will lead to better lives.

You clearly don't understand. You can't tell the letter writer to 'grow up' when you have no *idea* what this is like. Your comment rude, obnoxious, and disgustingly smug. What a horrible person you must be.

I think you need to do some research on verbal and emotional abuse, and the horrible effects a person has to deal with all their life. You can take 100 people and put them in the same identical situation, and each one will respond in a different way. You need to grow up and stop judging something you obviously have never been forced to live with.

It is important to see people as individuals and on a case by case basis. Universalizing traits to holocaust militates against individuality. Precisely what fascism and those who persecute our people do! Loving parents who did and do the best for their children is a commonality - not an exception. Having said that - as this article does is focus on how to get control over our own lives by adjusting our expectations of our parents and of ourselves. Torah study believe it or not and with the right teachers can be as psychologically healing as therapy - if not more. We have community context as Jews - and models and examples from our Biblical forebears to learn about ourselves!

one person above commented that the person writing the letter seems to have some serious problem. Do me a favor. The FATHER is OBVIOUSLY mentally ill. Do you know how many of us grew up with parents who survived the holocaust? They went through hell and they are ALL emotionally and psychologically broken. They had no idea how to bring up children. All of us suffered with these emotionally unstable parents. Now as to the father who brought up his children and worked years to pay the children's tuition.and his children abandoned him. Nebach (poor soul) Pray. Pray and cry to g-d. He will listen. To everyone else; THROW OUT YOUR TELEVISIONS. don't bring garbage magazinesand newspapers into the house.Stop criticizing people who are different then you. Living in America with such a powerful influence from the goyim makes people skew up their priorities. Don't give your kids everything they want (including nosh) and expect them to give you proper respect. Stay away from abusive parents RUN. A PARENT HAS NO RIGHT TO DESTROY A CHILD'S MARRIAGE.

I am no expert, but this father sounds like he might have a personality disorder called Narcissism. My step-son has this disorder and when I first began reading the article I thought it was written by his daughter. It is a terrible thing, and is incurable, from what I read. The only way to help yourself is to distance yourself from these people. They suck the life right out of you.

I agree with you. My father is exactly like this, and I have deduced that he has narcissism. No matter what my family and I do, his way is the right way, and I am definitely ready to detach myself from this type of person.

As a mother of 3 beautiful children, I feel it is crucial to embrace every moment & opportunity with my children. It is my motherly responsibility, along with my husband to ensure they live a life full of their own passions with great parental security. We can not 'control' what the outcome will be, but we can infuse their lives with many gifts of love, acceptance and simple acceptance. We teach them that 'abuse' is one of the components in life they can never accept, nor perpetrate. It is not up to the 'abused' to fix the 'abuser' but to focus on making oneself healthy. It is crucial to move through 'victim' to become 'victor.' I teach our children that it is important to 'be healthy alone, rather than sick with someone.' Love is a verb... we must show our children & parents through actions what they mean to us. Sometimes love means distance.

I understand these comments - however, im tired of everyone blaming their parents fully and always looking at them as the devil. like its all there fault. sometimes many factors play into it. my father, who is my hero grew up dirt poor under the communists and suffered emotional abuse, physical abuse, neglect, and went days without an actual SIMPLE meal. true, he took out his anger with alcohol but do i love him. more than the world itself. what im trying to say to you all is - give your parents some understanding and dont just ignore them because if you do - you are as bad as they are.

Rabbanit: After raising 4 children, sending them to yeshiva (one son is a rav!!!) & after a 30 year loveless marriage, divorcing their Mom, I find that I cannot get a call or email from any of them. Yes, I have tried many times to contact them, but to no avail. To what end was my 3 decade struggle to raise yeshiva tuition, if this is the result?

The reader does not appear to be emotionally stable from her message. I would not give such advices without seeing both sides, even if I was a professional psychologist. Is it really about parent's cruelty and abuse? Or may be an expert rabbi should be asked? May be this is about our obligations before our parents?

My situation is very similar to this one, unfortunately. I am very thankful to Aish.com because a couple years ago, in an article by Rabbi Solomon about BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER, I finally figured out what was wrong with my father. For some reason that article called my attention and B"H was like it was talking to me- about my father! word after word... Therefore I decided to post this comment hoping it might help others seeking an answer of "what's wrong". (Thank you Rabbi Solomon, who without knowing, helped me understand what has been going on for so long with my father and "lit the light" for me). Even after finding what the problem was and researching about it, I unfortunately am not in contact with my father now for a few years. Can't figure out a better "way out"...

Though it is my daughter who has been abusive to me and who then rejected me 9 years ago. The pain is always there, despite all of the work I do to cope. And, I cry because I wonder what could I have done ditterently to avoid this situation. I tolerated a lot of abuse for fear of losing her, and I lost her. Your article helps me a little to see that though I was her parent, I could not control her toughts or actions. I followed the advice of my Rabbi and Counselor, but still she cut off all cummunications 9 years ago. I pray for her well being and happiness. I pray that I can cope better each day. I know I have done the best I can. I always thought she was smart, funny and beautiful, and I loved her with all of my heart, but all of that annoyed her.

In the book, the father was emotionally cruel to one of his daughters because she looked like his mother who was abusive to him as a child. At the end, the daughter had to accept that her father was "irregular" and she couldn't spend "top dollar" emotionally trying to seek his love.

In any situation, do not accept abuse. Quietly hold yourself above it. Love the abuser. Try for a period of time to make it work, but if it can't, continue to love, but don't permit it and never never feel guilty about it no matter who is the abuser. It takes a long time to learn, but it can be done.

Please do not love the abuser. Protect yourself. You have not Torah obligation to love your parents, only to honor them, and sometimes honoring them, is from afar. Love yourself and protect yourself.

although I am in my late 60's and have had years of therapy, the scars from an emotionally absent father and a verbally and physically abusive mother have made it difficult for me to trust and love. moving several states away with my husband and limiting contact with my parents was a good decision. but in raising my children, my overwhelming concern was that I not replicate their patterns and protect my children from harm. I still have emotional flashbacks when I hear certain comments (even not directed at me) or see certain behaviors. I am still working to break the conditioning that they (the parents) gave me.

I, too, had an abusive father. It would be too painful to detail the situation here, but suffice it to say that I didn't speak to him for years. However, when I reached my 40's I was able to maintain a controllable relationship with him. Then, when he became sick and died, and I did everything a daughter should do, I was able to be at peace because, no matter what he had done as a father, I had done the right thing as a daughter.

I'm a writer of children's stories. A year ago I became aquainted with a yong woman who'd suffered with an emotionaly abusive mother. Her experience reminded me of my own childhood suffering. I wrote: DON'T APPOLOGIZE JANE to addresses the issue of emotional abuse in a real and yet imaginatively entertaining way. Jane’s story speaks even to children who’ve no experience of abuse since most have, at one time or another, felt a lack of self-esteem. BecauseJane's empowering journey invites discussion and sharing around a difficult topic, it can help identify children in need. DON'T APPOLOGIZE JANE, can also provide an effective tool in a therapeutic setting. As a footnote: The story even was healing for the young woman. This story and many other original stories, can be accessed on my web site: Grandma Tell Me A Story. www.grandmatellmeastory.com

I have a father who was also like the one in this article. It has been over 10 years since I have spoken to him. I finally realized that as much as you desire and hope for a positive change you cannot control other people's behavior. This is no different than an alcoholic, drug addict, hoarder and others who cannot change unless they see the problem and acceppt it. Even though I do not speak to my father I still do my best to be respectful. When people in the community would ask me what happened I would tell them that it is between him and I.

I think, teaching is a way to try to change the script when people are stuck and that's why we have therapy and advice. So I don't feel as it is written, the script is immutable, but yes, we do not always succeed in trying to change others, particularly in bringing those who are abusive into an enlightened understanding of how they are harming others, not to mention how soul destroying these acts are for them, personally. At the same time, we have to realize we are all the products of these stories, and though they cannot be condoned, if the result is an enhancement or bringing forth of sensitivity within the sufferer, that then translates towards the care of others, this is surely a formative story, as being brought through that fire creates the "vessel". (The biggest metaphor for this is ceramics, the production of pots and pottery. It is the fire that shapes the pot, with our hands, and our hearts.) re what is shaped by life's sorrows and cruelties: It doesn't always work this way. People who are hurt by life often harden and hurt others, consciously or unconsciously, in repeating the past and sadly what is known is sometimes comfortable despite that very pain. We can try to change others, but yes, there comes a time when we must back away, realizing we didn't fail in trying but that it's not up to us any longer to make that difference. It's a hard lesson, to back away, especially from those who were our first gods, namely our parents. A deep and ongoing topic.

I was raised by an very abusive mother and stepfather. I am a chlld shoah survivor as well. When I was 17.5 years my mother decided to drop me of in Israel.As horable this may sound in retrospect it was the best thing that happened for me. I am from Holland.Later in life as a married man with 2 kids I landed in Los angeles.to start a new life so to say. However the past abusive treatment was never far away from my mind and followed me in my day to day work. the story goes on.I obviously hed to sever any contact with them in addition as this was not enough I had many years of counseling. Am at peace sometimes ,yet the hunger to be loved never did go away I learned to live with it Hope ,imagination and being very bright are what Hashem had in store for me or so it seems I believe the advice in this column is on target thanks