Dear Emuna: My Short Husband

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Dear Emuna: My Short Husband

Dear Emuna,

The nature of my question makes me a bit ashamed to share. However, I know the only way to learn is by being open and honest. My husband is good hearted, kind and hardworking. He is also...short. Yes, short. I appreciate and respect him and have feelings for him, but time to time his short stature bothers me. I know I sound so shallow and I generally am able to get beyond silly externals and appreciate people for who they are. How can I shut out these bad thoughts of dissatisfaction? Thank you in advance.

-- Superficial Wife

Dear Superficial Wife,

Well, I am a little confused by your question. Didn’t you know your husband was short when you married him? It’s certainly not something he can be accused of hiding from you. If you have a husband whom you appreciate and respect, you need to let go of this issue. I can only assume that you’re allowing yourself to be affected by the world around you – by media images of men and perhaps even by the look of your friends’ husbands. This is a destructive path. Jews marry for good character traits and shared goals.

If you were on your second date and his height bothered you, I would still probably tell you to probe deeper but I would be more understanding if you determined it was just an issue you couldn’t live with. But you’re not dating. You chose to marry this man. You saw his good qualities and you recognized his physical stature for the non-issue it was. You made a commitment and you need to stick to it. Ignore that inner voice. Yes, you do sound shallow, but I am confident that with very little effort, you can rise above this position.

-- Emuna

The Smelly Mother

Dear Emuna,

We have a problem with my mother who is in her early 80s. She refuses to bathe. My siblings and I have spoken to her about it repeatedly and she refuses. She will not change her clothing either. Weeks will go by and she will finally get into the shower, but then she puts the same filthy clothing on. This woman has money, new clothing and can afford the water. She cannot see to drive anymore but can do close-up work and sees well enough to take care of herself and cook at home, so it is up to us to take her to the store, the doctor or where ever else she needs to go. She becomes angry when we raise the issue about her smell.

Do you have any suggestions? We have already threatened to not take her unless she bathes. It is so bad sometimes that strangers will comment "what is that smell?" She will not let someone in if we hire them to come to clean, and if we try, she yells. My sister is the one who lives very close to her and they are constantly in a battle over it. What can we do? We don't want to be with her because of this. Even the children are revolted by it.

-- Sensitive Nose

Dear Sensitive Nose,

I understand that you are in a tough position and you and your sister deserve praise for being sensitive children in addition to having sensitive noses. I confess to having no experience in this area so I did a little research online. The first thing I discovered was that this is actually a fairly common problem. While that piece of information doesn’t solve the situation, it should be comforting to know that you are not alone in this – and neither is your mother! Initially she should be checked for depression. Perhaps she doesn’t feel there’s anything or anyone to get bathed and dressed nicely for. Perhaps she feels discouraged about her future in general and this is just a physical manifestation of it. Discuss this with her doctor (since you take her to the appointments anyway).

You mention taking her to appointments or the store or places she “needs” to go. Do you ever take her places she might enjoy going? Maybe a concert or a play or a movie or out to dinner. Any one of those events could possibly spur her to make more of an effort with her physical appearance.

Additionally, sometimes it’s an issue of control. So much has been taken away. This is one of the few areas where they can still be in charge so, as negative as it is, this is where she can assert her will. Pursuant to this, the more you nag, the more she will resist. Perhaps ignoring it will help. She won’t feel she has to refuse to bathe in order to prove her independence. Try to resist giving her advice or telling her what to do.

There are many other possible causes – memory loss (didn’t I just bathe yesterday?), fear of slipping, discomfort at being dependent on others, discomfort at being undressed around others. It’s an irony of the situation that she is actually trying to maintain her dignity through this independence and modesty and she is actually losing it due to the smell.

You may need to accept the smell, unpleasant as it is, since your constant nagging is only damaging your relationship further.

So, what can you do? If she won’t take help, that possibility is off the table, although perhaps a really experienced care giver can bring her around. If the doctor determines that there is some depression, perhaps medication will be of assistance. In addition to your taking her out, you could call a friend of hers and suggest that she drop by and arrange a “girls’ day out.” That may motivate her to shower and change. Please make sure she has shower chairs or safety mats or anything else she needs to make the shower situation totally safe. Don’t consult about that; it will be embarrassing. Just install them in a very no-nonsense, matter-of-fact way. Don’t get into a power struggle; just set up the conditions for bathing and leave the choices up to her. It’s out of your control anyway.

Finally, you may need to accept the smell, unpleasant as it is, since your constant nagging is only damaging your relationship further. Focus on the love you have for the mother and the gratitude you owe her. And maybe buy her a present of her favorite perfume – along with some makeup and other treats (after a few visits of not mentioning her smell) and have a spa day (maybe bring over a hairdresser and manicurist) so that she will feel special and worth taking time over.

-- Emuna

Can My Marriage Be Saved?

Dear Emuna,

Please help. My husband and I got into an argument two months ago which caused him to drive three hours away to his parents’ house. The next morning, he was at a divorce attorney’s office with them, and hired one on the spot. Within two more days, his parents bought him a $25,000 car, had him cancel any credit card I was connected to, had him open a new bank account, opened a P.O. Box for his mail, and arranged to have our mortgage bill sent to them so I couldn't access it.

My husband is 28, I am 24, and we have two children together (a 3 year old and a 2 month old). We have been so in love for the last 7 years (with a two year gap, in which case his parents split us up back in 2006 as well). They have never really liked me, but accepted me, and at the first sign of a fight they took the line and ran across the country with it, trying to get him free of me. We went to a marriage counselor and she had explained to us both that he has a passive personality, and that I am the dominant one in our relationship, but that my husband relies on his mother’s opinion way too much. His parents still treat him like a little kid, and in order to not upset them he does whatever they say (especially since they control him with money).

We recently had a wonderful weekend vacation (without his parents knowing of course) where he finally opened up to me and started to love me openly again. Then we came home and he left for a work trip and is back to the "one step at a time" phase. I feel I am in a battle of me vs. his mother and the prize is my husband. I'm not sure what to do anymore, and if this battle is even worth fighting if he will ultimately choose her in the end? He loves me, I know he does, but does this type of personality rely on his parents too much to care what's best for his heart?

-- Hurting

Dear Hurting,

I’m sorry to say that you have a real mess on your hands and there’s only one person that can solve it. Unfortunately that person is NOT you. Unless your husband can make a clear break with his parents so that he can get his act together and your relationship can grow strong, I don’t think there’s much hope for your marriage. It breaks my heart to say this especially since there are children involved, but this on-again, off-again pattern is certainly not healthy for them – or for you.

In order for your relationship to have any chance of success (assuming your report of the situation is accurate), your husband needs to cut off all contact with his parents. It is possible that, at some point in the future, when your husband has greater clarity about appropriate boundaries and a stronger sense of commitment (I would definitely recommend he go for more therapy), you can slowly begin to allow some limited contact. But not now. Based on your description of the situation, your relationship cannot and will not survive his parents’ continued involvement and interference.

If your husband won’t (or can’t) stand up to them (and given the scenarios above I confess to being doubtful), I am not optimistic about your future. Pray to the Almighty for clarity in decision-making and, if necessary, for the strength to walk away.

-- Emuna

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Published: December 10, 2011

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Visitor Comments: 34

(27) rhoneyman, January 29, 2012 5:46 PM

Short (and maybe brief?)

If your misgivings about your husband's height has been there from the get-go and it remains something you are unable to let go of, you are faced with a choice: work towards finding sufficient balance such that this negative gets put in the perspective of all else. If height is the main negative but it overwhelms all the positives, even after working on the issue (btw, if you choose to go into therapy, make sure that you exclude your husband, else, divorce is almost certain: individual therapy too often focuses on everything that's wrong in your life). If, OTH, your focus on his height is something that came on gradually, there's propably something else going on in the relationship, maybe even something that you're not actively aware of. In that case, I'd suggest (again) counseling, but it should be joint not individual and the primary focus should be the marriage as you attempt to grapple with the underlying issue that your yetzer hara has hidden by helping you focus on the unchangeable - your husband's height. The difference between the two: in the first case, you need to focus on your own issues but you need to also make sure your husband is included in the process. In the second case, the primary work is with your husband as you peel back the layers of habitual patterns to uncover the dynamics that cause you pain that you're only able to experience indirectly.

(26) Anonymous, December 19, 2011 11:13 PM

To Hurting--

You will need help no matter what you do. See a rabbi and your husband will have to have very limited time with his parents. Plan that is there is a divorce that there will be boundaries with consequences for over stepping them written into the custody agreement for the sakes of your sweet children. They will be pawns in this mess. My ex husband and I divorced over his parents and our children became pawns. They are now 22 and 21 and have limited contact with their father and his parents because of how they were. My custody agreement wasn't fair to me, but I made no deals with them so I didn't owe them and our time was sacred. My ex married a woman who had some major issues and i could only laugh when I heard stories on Dominant MIL clashing with Crazy. His new wife HAD to have her vices and alternate reality to handle his family. Also, put yourself into the observer's position. You can't be waiting for your husband to figure things out. You have to look at what YOU want in this relationship. Do you want to celebrate holidays with these people? Yes, you have to look out for your children and they are better off with you two being together, but being with a passive with a seductive pull like his mother to buy him "stuff" and make things easy is almost like being married to someone who can't resist drugs so they can cope.

(25) kaylee, December 19, 2011 11:02 PM

Bothered by height is a symptom of a different problem

That you decided to write to Emuna says that you are not shallow and you are very introspective. But I think you need to go deeper. What is really bothering you? Everything is part of a bigger picture. Is he gaining weight? (An extra twenty pounds on a short person is more obvious than an extra twenty on a taller person.) The flip side is that if he starts to work out, he will be buff faster. Short men as a tall friend likes to say, "are at the bottom of the babe chain!" OK, this isn't true, but are you feeling like this sometimes? Do you go places and feel insecure like how this reflects on you? Does he tell you to not wear heels and want to somehow equalize you to him? Do you have friends with taller husbands who you find attractive? Do you have friends who have made comments about short men and you are thinking, "She's right!" Do you attribute certain annoying personality traits to him as being because he is short? A short person who was a jerk, in my father's mindset, was, "He has a shortman's complex!" The same attitude in a tall person was perceived as merely that the guy was just a jerk, or he was assertive. I really think you are showing a symptom and that the problem is elsewhere. If you see it an identify it, you can come to terms with it and get past it. One of my fellow PTA mommies looks like Tyra Banks and she is married to a guy who looks like Danny diVito. He is ALWAYS complimenting her height and making her feel like she could be Tyra Banks, building her up when she is not with us, and looking at her with admiration. She acts like he is Brad Pitt. (Not that Tyra and Brad-- no! LOL) I think you can overcome this once you figure out the root of the problem.

(24) L.S., December 18, 2011 5:48 PM

Superficial Wife is a bad person

I normally do not like to be judgmental, but you sound like a very self entitled, selfish , and superficial woman. You should be so lucky that your husband's shortcoming (pun intended!) is that he is short. You are lucky enough to have a husband who is "kind, hardworking" etc and you are complaining about something so superficial? Give me a break! I bet you're not perfect in your appearance either; I hope you don't get fat except it would be karma if he wrote back something snobby about your appearance. As a woman, I am amazed and ashamed by the sense of entitlement women have these days!

Kaylee, December 19, 2011 11:32 PM

Look deeper. L.S.!

She says that he is kind and hard working and perhaps glazing over things. She isn't telling us traits of his that we see. My husband is oblivious to one of our middle school sons swearing and doing a bad job with the dishes. On the surface, he is kind and hardworking, but at home, even if the house is clean and I am being pleasant to draw him out, he is on his smart phone. My husband is over weight-- his weight was driving me bonkers, then I realized that his other traits bothered me more and that the excess weight was superficial because being mad about his weight was an easy turn off. Seeing how he allowed our son to treat me, and his brothers and sisters, and do a bad job on chores, was the REAL problem and harder to deal with! People present a problem it seems in 50 words or less here-- more facets need to be considered.

Carolina, December 20, 2011 11:06 PM

What gives YOU the right

to judge someone you know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about? The next time you feel inclined about applying adjectives to other people, just remember that silence is golden. Better still, go read Psalm 34:13

(23) H.E.BROWN, December 16, 2011 12:44 AM

Short husband

This is a sad story to me. Where is the LOVE? Maybe she dosn't understand love. Why then did she marry ? For money maybe. You could buy him some elevator shoes, some can make you 3 inches taller. Maybe some escalator shoes that keep rising until he ain't no more........................

(22) Anonymous, December 15, 2011 6:47 PM

THe Short Husband

II am also baffled by the realization that your husband is short. He was when you met him, went out with him and married him. I do not think his height has changed but maybe some else in the marriage has changed. Perhaps you need to look deeper into your feelings and be truthful about why this has become bothersome. We have a friend who was married for 5 years, a few kids. The marriage was not good at all but he really wanted to make it work. The wife kept on telling him to do various things, change his glasses, trim his beard, wear different style clothes, take up jogging – all the name of getting the marriage to work. When she told him to have cosmetic surgery to fix a facial scar that he had from before marriage he finally realized that things were not going to work out. They did not – he is happily remarried she is not. He is what he – same for your husband – this is who he is. I really feel that there is something else bothering you about him –maybe he is not assertive, meek or whatever. I wish you menucha and shalom bayis.

(21) Former Short Guy, December 14, 2011 5:29 PM

When My Wife Said I was Short - I Fixed It!

Personally, I completely sympathize with the wife who was bothered by her short husband. She should be! Why should anyone in this day and age have to suffer through a lifetime of something he or she doesn't want, when we all know everything can be cured and made better right away. All we have to do is want it enough and daven to Hashem enough and He'll give us whatever we want - even change our height! One day my wife told me she was fed up with my height, and I said, you know, honey, you're right! I'm going to do something about it. So I went to the best surgeon I know, mortgaged our house, and had a special operation to make me 3 inches taller. The operation was a success! I am now 3 inches taller, my wife is much happier with me, and we a truly grateful to Hashem for just making any and all of our minor problems - and let's face it, NOTHING is minor when we're bothered by something - just go away! I feel truly blessed. And I daven for all of the short men out there to do what I did.

(20) Anonymous, December 14, 2011 3:58 AM

dear hurting

please do not give up hope and seek help from therapists and rabbi's who you trust. your marriage and your children are precious and unless he is abusive to you, which this does not sound like, the marriage should be given a chance and his parents need to brake away for a little. i'll pray for you that Hashem should help heal your marriage, please don't loose hope!

(19) Anonymous, December 14, 2011 3:50 AM

don't understand answer to question about short husband

To the person who wrote about your husband's height. you are not shallow, you are human. human beings are not perfect and therefore struggle in areas which they wish they did not. my guess is that you probably dismissed your husband's height when you were dating him because you must have been very excited about other aspects of him. that means that those aspects must have been very important to you. If you still see the positive aspects of your husband then know that those are so strong and so powerful that they made you marry him despite his height! he must be an amazing person for you. one last thing, maybe think of a feature or something about his appearance that you are attracted to and are proud of. try always to focus on what you think his good looks are. no one is perfect, he is not , and baruch Hashem you are not, that is why you are alive. :)

(18) Joey, December 13, 2011 7:44 PM

To "Superficial Wife"

I sort of get the impression that "Superficial Wife" is complaining about a minor issue, something that just bugs her once in a while as opposed to a consistent problem; if that's the case, just push the idea out of your mind and move on. I imagine everyone gets that sort of wishful thinking from time to time; it IS superficial, but unless you find yourself really dwelling on it then you may just be making a mountain out of a molehill. (...Pun unintended.) God bless!

(17) Anonymous, December 13, 2011 4:37 AM

Agreed - but maybe could be said gentler...

Mrs. Braverman - whether or not you think that a husband's height is an "appropriate" issue to be bothered by, I'd have thought that you would be a bit gentler with your response. As any married person knows, sometimes it's the smallest things that irk us the most, and yes, we know it's trivial, and yes, we want to get over it (she said both), but sometimes the effort isn't small - it can be very, very big! The yetzer hara is very strong. I'm not saying that this calls for molly-coddling by everybody else, but I don't think it requires a sharp scolding, either. Why did you choose her comment to post if only to brush her off by saying "get over it" - she could have heard that from anyone else.

(16) TMay, December 12, 2011 9:58 PM

sensitive nose

Loss of sense of smell is an early indicator of Alzheimer's (Parkinson's too).

Sarah, December 14, 2011 6:48 PM

right

That's also what came to my mind when I read the letter.

(15) Anonymous, December 12, 2011 9:05 PM

short husband

I always wonderd why the divorce rate is so high now i got the answer what a spoiled geniragition we live in

(14) Miriam, December 12, 2011 8:06 PM

short husband- bad answer

I was upset by the answer given to the women who so out her vulnerability out there in search of an answer from someone she obviously respects. this woman is struggling with something we all struggle with- seeing a flaw in our spouse. she was not looking to be out down, she was looking for encouragement that its ok to struggle and here are some tips. in response to the wife- i feel your frustration, yes i also dated a wonderful man with flaws that i thought i would be able to see passed. but alas, when things come up in marriage and i have to constantly remind myself that i knew of these flaws beforehand and decided to marry him anyway. my 2 tricks i do, which do help and get easier with time, are: 1- focus on the flaw (especially if its physical) and find ways to love it. i tell myself its cute, its comes with these other virtues, i focus on till im not ashamed of it, or till i get comfortable with it, just from knowing it so well. 2- i look at his virtues despite/or because of his flaws. i remind myself why i love him, and why he is a wonderful husband and man and father. try these tips. talk to yourself, it will get easier. you would be surprised how far positive self talk can take you. also, know this- others dont see your husband the way you do. they dont care that he is short. and dont be jealous of others. (easier said than done, i know) gluck in your struggle! you can get over this. hatzlacha

(13) Anonymous, December 12, 2011 6:23 PM

Sign of Dementia!

As for the stubborn mother, I believe it is one of the signs of dementia even though she seems all right in other ways. Try to take her to a gym with a pool maybe or a public swimming pool where she could relax and get the contact back with the water or if you live near a beach, try to take her there few days a week for a nice walk and maybe a bath in the ocean too! I am no expert for sure and I am sure it must be so frustrating for all of you who are trying so hard to make it as comfortable and happy as possible in her old age. I’m sure you have also your own tribulations like all of us, which makes it more difficult for you to handle her. You are doing your best and that’s all what matters.

(12) Anonymous, December 12, 2011 6:18 PM

Don't give up yet!

Most men react the same way after marriage. There are always conflicts among them, wife and mother, mostly due to, I think, ignorance of one another and feelings of negligence. This husband is very young and need directions but it doesn’t have to come to an end of their marriage. Things have to be worked out especially with 2 children involved. I am sure he doesn’t want a divorce and she might just refuse it by telling the judge that it is his parents who want a divorce not him and not she. You can’t give up so easily and must fight for what you believe is your rights. It is very hard for a young woman/mother to go through such ordeal but it also build character

(11) Feigele, December 12, 2011 6:13 PM

Size is irrelevant when you love someone!

Now that you have tasted the merchandise, you want to return it! You cant do that to a human being, your husband is not an object that you can get rid when you feel like it. You got into this marriage knowingly. If you really love him and have integrity, as supposedly this was the reason for marrying him in the first place, you will put this foolish idea out the door. Get over it, and be happy with this kind, goodhearted and hardworking person. We are short people too and can understand how he must feel especially when his mate projects such humiliating feelings towards him. Are you yourself so perfect? Would you find happiness with someone taller but with a nasty unreliable attitude?

(10) Eliana, December 12, 2011 1:08 PM

Short husband

My short husband and I have been in love for 48 years. High school friends called us "the matched set" because we were the same height. I grew, he didn't. So? I don't think of him as short, except maybe when I hem new trousers for him. Everyone who knows this man sees him as a giant with a wonderful soul. I enjoy the advantages, like never having to move the car seat forward or back. My advice to the woman who wrote is, give it time. He'll grow in your eyes. Don't judge him by Hollywood standards,but answer to a higher authority. The beauty of the king's sons is within.

(9) Suzanne, December 12, 2011 3:01 AM

I would agree with "Israeli Mother"

This was one of the first signs I saw with people that I loved who went on to develop Alzheimer's.

(8) Bobby5000, December 12, 2011 1:24 AM

Cut Off Your Parents- Where did that Come From?

I have some things in common with the gentlemen with the assertive mother. Here are my suggestions. 1. The macho issue. The wife says, I can't believe he is so scared of his mother, the mother says, he is scared to death of his wife. Why doesn't he stand up to her each says, buttressed by advice from biased's friends. That solves nothing. 2. One commandment says Honor Your Mother and Father. An all out war is cutting off communication is out. 3. He needs to learn to set limits. If his mother becomes angry, so what. He needs to understand her anger can be a tool of control and manipulation. Example, the mother says, I can't believe you're going to an office party, and missing Uncle Rodney's party. He will be so upset and I'm so embarassed and disappointed in you. Develop the self-confidence to let things fly off your back. If she's upset, let her be upset. Don't say any nasty things, don't start or continue a fight, but don't change your position either. 4. As to the wife, she should be cordial and respectful to her inlaws, not start a fight or falsely try to curry favor. 5. My parents objected to my marriage; they now love my wife, and she did not hold that against them. Indeed, my mother said at a function to my wife when I did something strange; I don''t know how you live with him.

(7) Anonymous, December 11, 2011 6:46 PM

Parental odors

I am in the same boat. My mother is experiencing some incontinence and refuses to face it. She has urinated on herself, her bed. Many times she can't make it to the bathroom. The fights we have had are getting neither of us anywhere. She refuses to see a doctor, refuses to use depends and turns it around that it is me who is tormenting her. There is no dementia but depression for sure which she refuses to take meds for. Plus, she lives with us. There is nothing anyone can do or say, because there is nothing she will listen to. I have to accept what is.

(6) anonymous, December 11, 2011 6:41 PM

inspiration to the lady married to the mama's boy

My mother married a mama's boy (who happened to be a Rabbi) back in 1952. He made it clear to her that his mother would always come first. She left him pregnant with my half-sister, and married my Dad 5 years later. This was in the fifties when I assure you it was rarely done. Yet it was the right thing to do. Hashem had other plans for my Mom and he has the same for you. Don't think you won't remarry, you will! You owe it to your children to have a man raise them who has their interests and your interests in his heart, not his parents. He is not fulfilling the commandment to leave his parents and cleave to his wife. Also, ironically, I married a mama's boy too-told him to choose between me or him mom and he chose me. If after the ultimatum, he chooses his parents, you need to walk out. Don't worry. You can't have a new future if you stay in an unhealthy present. Even if your parents do not support your move, find people who do and lean on them. Clearly he and his parents are pushing you out, you take the initiative and decide how you will go. Hatzlacha and you will remarry!

(5) Anonymous, December 11, 2011 5:37 PM

short husband---short answer

I think your answer to 'superficial wife' was a little superficial itself. Clearly (obviously in my opinion) this wife is expressing discomfort with "something"; most likely some pain involved in the relationship which she chooses to express both "superficially" and directed at herself rather than perhaps at the relationship itself or her husband. Why? Thus could be a symptom of anything from a marriage failing, to a serious flaw in her husband she is loathe to admit to herself; to an urge to personal growth on her part expressed in this tangential manner. Anything less than a recommendation to explore this further (in whatever way that has integrity) is indeeed "superficial".

Daryel Miller, December 11, 2011 7:24 PM

She is haveing a affair

I know what her husben is going though .Because i went went though the same thing .I had a beatiful wife and for the first four years it was like haven but she met anold boy freind the man she always wanted to marrie in the first place .she didnt even say good bye

(4) db, December 11, 2011 4:56 PM

short huby

good things comes in small packages

(3) Esther, December 11, 2011 3:53 PM

Honest question, harsh answer

The letter writer was correct in saying that the only way to learn is by being open and honest. I feel that the answer she received was a little too harsh, especially since the question came from such a sincere place. Here is my answer to you: first of all, well done for recognizing your issue and for seeking help to improve your feelings towards your husband. Of course you know he has outstanding character traits - that's why you married him. At the time you knew that his height was not important, and you still do - just it's a little harder for you to feel this in your heart. Remember that your relationship takes place primarily on the soul level. That, please G-d, your relationship will last beyond this lifetime, and into the World to Come. That HaShem chose this person for you, and he really is the one who will enable you to fulfill your life's purpose. Also, try to think of all the ways in which your husband surpasses you - the ways in which he is 'taller' than you. This will help 'equalize' things a bit. And finally, when you catch yourself comparing your husband to your friends' taller spouses, remember that you never know what goes on behind close doors, and things aren't always as good as they seem. Everything you have was given to you for a reason, including your husband. Allow him to help you grow. Wishing you much hatzlacha!

Anonymous, December 14, 2011 12:23 PM

Great advice!

Your answer shows depth of insight and sensitivity. I agree Mrs. Braverman could have been a little less judgmental of the writer, who after all cared enough about her marriage to solicit someone's advice.

(2) Neta, December 11, 2011 2:31 PM

My short husband

Emuna, what a superb answer! I think she has some heart examining to do. She is not describing a husband's qualities. I think she is might really be saying that she is not in love and using stature as an excuse. Time out lady! You and your marriage need help and help in a hurry! And, if you think that he will not notice or has not noticed, then you do are wrong. You are hurting him. Get help in a hurry!

(1) Israeli Mother, December 11, 2011 2:01 PM

Emuna, you seem to have missed something obvious

When a parent [or any elderly adult for that matter] starts having problems with self-care to the point of being noticeably malodorous, one of the most obvious things to check out is the possibility of Alzheimer's or other forms of dementia. Yes, depression is also a possibility but depression can exist at the same time as dementia and many times does. I urge the woman who wrote to you to take her mother to a neurologist post haste. Hatzlacha!

Susan, December 11, 2011 8:32 PM

sensitive nose

I appreciate all the help that was offered. They are excellent, perfect solutions. My self, my sister and our Aunt all take her to different places. Luncheons, dinners, to plays or family get togethers. We have a large family and we do get together. She is and has been checked out regularly for dementia, etc. She is head strong and always has been. I think Emuna hit it on the head. It is about control and habit. She seems to have gotten out of the habit of self care and doesn't seem to care. She has lost control over many things. (She is a retired geriatric nurse! ) It is a catch 22. We want to be with her, she is and can be fun to be with, but oh my. Mention bathing and a nerve is hit and she will bite you with venom. The Dr.s have ruled out Alzheimer's, depression. I have spoken to my sister about your suggestions, we will put them into action by not saying anything to her! Best advice ever. Thank you!

Alan S., December 11, 2011 9:01 PM

Absolutely correct

She woman hit the nail on the proverbial head, so to speak. My mother (zt'l) also suffered with the same problem. Long story short, she was diagnosed with a form of senile dementia, as well as Parkinson's. You owe it to her and yourselves to get her evaluated. One additional word: though it may that seem that perfumes and bath toiletries might help, most people at the time found that it exacerbated the unseemly odor. Only regular bathing and wearing clean fresh clothes daily will help.

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Emuna Braverman

Please check out Emuna’s new book A Diamond for Your Daughter – A Parent’s Guide to Navigating Shidduchim Effectively, available through Judaica Press

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.