Dear Emuna: Abusive Husband?

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Dear Emuna: Abusive Husband?

Dear Emuna,

I love my husband and we have a great relationship, but sometimes he gets very mad at me and curses me out. He'll even sometimes try to put his hands on me, but we always make up and everything is great again. This stresses me out a lot because it happens too often. My stress starts interfering with my job. I cry all day sometimes; that's how deeply it bothers me. But I love him and I’m willing to work things out. I’m a little dramatic myself though but I have been trying to not respond or continue arguing. But he still gets mad.... Please advise.

– Hurt and Stressed

Dear Hurt,

Since you describe a complicated situation outside my realm of expertise, I consulted with my friend Shirley Lebovics, LCSW, who has years of experience dealing with situations such as yours. This is her response:

As you mention, you are in a very stressful relationship, which is understandably taking a heavy toll on you emotionally. Even though there are undoubtedly some very wonderful things about your husband that attracted you to him, and that reinforce your love for him, your marriage is comprised of disrespectful treatment, i.e. cursing, yelling and the threat or use of physical aggression. Behavior like this demands some professional attention, particularly because, typically, situations like this get worse unless some significant help is applied. It is best if you see someone alone, so that you can be forthcoming with regarding the details of your home life. Try and get a referral to someone who is specially trained in dealing with these kinds of difficulties, perhaps from your local rabbi or Shalom Task force hotline. It will offer you some much needed support and attention and guide you in responding to your husband and taking care of yourself.

You may also want to avail yourself of either of these two books, which may capture your experience. The Shame Borne in Silence by Dr. Abraham Twerski and The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.

Hope this helps (thank you Shirley!)

– Emuna

Dear Emuna,

My problem is getting everyone to come to the table at the same time. It is such a big operation – preparing dinner and setting the table and then cleaning up afterwards – that’s not to mention the fighting/silliness of the meal itself. Oh, and getting everyone to come to the table when dinner is being served! I have to yell at them to come; they leave what they are doing a mess etc…and not to mention the fact that I can barely sit down for one minute because of all the serving and the demands during the meal!

I really would like us all to eat dinner together but it just seems so hard. The only time we eat all together is Shabbos; during the week I will prepare food and just give each child individually or two at a time.

Should I aim for us all to eat together or accept the situation the way it is now? My kids are little (ages 8, 6, 5 and 2). What do you think?

– Running Ragged

Dear Running Ragged,

I am not in your home facing your challenges but I am a strong believer in family dinnertime. It is an opportunity for the kids to decompress, for important bits of information/news to leak out and for the family to bond. Does that mean it will always be pleasant? Certainly not. Does that mean it will be effortless? A big no there as well.

You need to get a little tougher. What do you mean you have to yell at them to come? If this is their only chance to eat and you’re not waiting on them on demand, they’ll come.

You are constantly jumping up and down? Why? Put all the food on the table and that should be it. As I am fond of telling my family, “This is not a restaurant.” If a child really doesn’t like dinner, there is one option and one option only: cereal and milk. Just as this is not a restaurant, I am not a short-order cook and neither should you be. Your kids are certainly old enough to help set and clear the table. You can take that off your head and it is good education for them as well.

Structured appropriately you will find that not only can you get the benefits of everyone eating together, but in the end, it’s actually easier!

– Emuna

Dear Emuna,

How can we teach children to be grateful for what others do for them? How do we turn them from being takers into givers?

– Yet Another Frazzled Mom

Dear Frazzled Mom,

You ask a question that I think every parent asks – and never stops asking! The Torah is filled with lessons on gratitude – from the story of Cain and Abel that highlights Cain’s lack of appreciation to the constant building of altars to thank the Almighty to Moses’ inability to strike the Nile because it had hidden him as a child.

If gratitude were easy, we wouldn’t need to be taught it over and over and over again. On top of that, particularly with respect to parents, the relationship is so uneven. Parents do so much, they love so much; the level of dependency and the amount “owed” threaten to overwhelm the child and they may turn away.

It is certainly best not to expect or demand gratitude but to rather, as with everything else, model it on all occasions. You don’t want them to be takers? Don’t let them hear you discussing how many times you had the Steinbergs over for dinner and how they haven’t had you once. Or resentfully complaining about the beggars collecting tzedaka. Or comparing the size of the gift you received to the one you gave. Or (my personal weakness) talking about how many times you drove carpool compared to the other parents!

Let them see you expressing gratitude – to your parents for all they have given you, to your friends for inviting you over or helping you out or just being a friend, to the mail carrier for delivering the mail, to the waiter for bringing the food, to the child whose chore it is to clear the table. The more we demonstrate our own appreciation for the giving of others, the more our children will learn gratitude. And of course, the more we express a sense of entitlement, and resentment when our expectations are not met, the more they will learn that as well.

In addition, we need to give without complaint. We need to show joy and pleasure in giving. If our children see giving as a positive experience, they will want a piece of it. If they see it as an uncomfortable, demanding and draining experience, they will shy away. It is up to us.

Finally, I think that everyone who embraces the idea of giving will testify that in the end it turns out to be a very selfish act – you actually get more than you give! If you open your home and your heart to others, not only will your children not suffer, but they will experience an expanded world of caring. The praise, the attention, the gratitude (!) they get in return from the recipients of their family’s kindness is perhaps the greatest lesson of all.

– Emuna

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Published: October 31, 2010

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Visitor Comments: 16

(16) Melissa, January 17, 2011 3:04 AM

suggestion for family dinnertime

I'm a mom of 2 kids, turning 3 and 5 and try to have family dinnertime whenever possible. I know it's a challenge, but I find the best thing I can do is make them WANT to come to the table. I try different things like telling stories at the table, showing school projects, talking about the parsha, and giving them a choice of what's for dinner when possible. I'm sure other parents have more suggestions on how to make dinnertime fun for kids...

(15) Kimberly Naranjo, November 12, 2010 11:57 PM

Some advice for you from someone who has been there. The best way to shut this behavior down is to turn the problem back on him. "Seems like you have had a bad day." Or, "Seems like something is bothering you." Always turn the problem back to him, not on you. Do not allow yourself to engage in his problem. Stay calm and positive. Most likely this will probably anger him even more, and that's when you know you have to call for professional help. Most likely he will not go for counceling, but you can. Abusive people do not change easily, so make plan B for yourself and your children.

(14) Rivkah, November 4, 2010 3:37 AM

Hurt and stressed....

My sister I have been where you are. What you are living is called the cycle of abuse. It started for me as verbal and anger at objects, doors walls etc and then on to me. Each time he would apologize and be the worlds best hubbie. Then it would happen again...the time between incidents would get closer and closer and more violent. I understand the stress, crying and feelings of isolation. I felt wore down, worthless, forgotten. I defended him and his actions to others(I love him..he did this and this for me)I lost my selfconfidence (maybe I did provoke or deserve this). I could sometimes feel when he was building up to fighting and I would provoke and argue to get it over with to get to the princess treatment afterwards. You don't deserve to be treated like this no matter what you have said or done. There is no justification ever. Get yourself to a safe place and get your husband the help he needs. This is going to take a lot of courage and emunah. With Hashem's help you can make it! I will be praying for you and your husband.

(13) Dvirah, November 2, 2010 3:34 PM

Help for the Abuser, Too

No one mentioned the abusive husband getting treatment, and that is also important for stopping the abuse! Once "hurt and stressed" feels up to it, she MUST address the problem with her husband and urge him to get help also. I recommend that a neutral person acceptable to both parties be present for this discussion - to prevent an outbust of violence if the husband is also in denial. (Advice based on personal experience.)

(12) Norma Schwartz, November 2, 2010 2:11 PM

What your children see at home, they will do in their home

When you have a loving considerate relationship with your husband, your children are nurtured with that love and they will strive for the same relationship in their own homes when they grow up. If they see derision and violence, they think that is what is supposed to be and they do the same when they grow up. Women think that is normal because they saw their mothers being beaten and shamed. But we must break this cycle of violence. And the only way is to take action. You are a person of intellect and don't deserve this kind of treatment.

(11) Hana, November 1, 2010 9:57 PM

more suggestions for help- just sharing

I have come a long way. At first, I didn't know anything...so I took it and thought that one day I will be able to reason with him. The trick over here was that I didn't have any validations for my feelings. Until, little by little, I could identify with certain women, read them like a book. Then one of them got the book by Patricia Evans (that Emuna recommands). It was very difficult to swallow but I couldn't stop reading and crying, cringing and also sighing of relief for finally getting what I needed to hear so desperately. She has other books that offer real tools that can change your life. Just having the right words, naming the crazy business that is going on, having others say out loud what you think in secret (because if you verbalize it out loud to your clergy might be dangerous to your health /life) is a personal Redemption. Go and do your work, it is your Avodah and you better believe that you aren't alone. Do not wait too long, make it a priority, this situation can steal your personality away where you fade away against your will...There is more and more expert help, more and more research and validating data and a "community" of others to learn from, share in the journey of reclaiming your lives and to work with, not just complain and blame. With prayers for your success in connecting with the right people, books and websites, just remember that Hashem is with you. May he help you discern ...

(10) Anonymous, November 1, 2010 3:53 PM

A different Perspective on Dinnertime together

In response to the question on dinnertime together-with 4 little children, I'd like to offer a different perspective. Ideally, it is wonderful to have dinnertime together, but if a mother is finding it too difficult and stressful, what is wrong with her feeding her children 2 at a time? The positives-Mom is more available to give them individual attention and Mom is less-stressed. Also, in all reality, feeding a 2 year old and 4 year old-no matter how much you prepare ahead of time, there are always unforseen needs that takes Mom away from the table. Also, dinnertime for a 2 year old is much different for an 8 year old. I am a firm believer that when a Mom takes care of herself and does what is manageable for her, then she is more available to be there for her children. That is the most important thing to a child-to have a calm and happy Mom! Dinnertime together may be reserved for Shabbos and Sunday. Just an alternate point of view.

(9) Anonymous, November 1, 2010 1:45 PM

You are being abused - Contact JCADA

You are being abused. You need the help of people who are trained to help you with this specific situation. Contact the Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse (JCADA). Call 1-877-88-JCADA. The have offices across the country. I was once a client. Jewish women stay in abusive relationships five years longer, on average than non-Jewish women. There is real help. Call JCADA.

(8) Anonymous, November 1, 2010 1:35 PM

useful resource

I highly recommend looking at Steven Stosny's books. I read one entitled "You Do Not Have to Take It Anymore: Turn your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One. (I see that he has other books available.) I think that he understands why abusive people act this way and how they can be helped and that counselors should be aware of his methods.

(7) Anonymous, November 1, 2010 11:12 AM

take action now

Re the lady who has an abusive husband - if you are crying every day there is a message there. If you are turning yourself inside out to make your relationship work, and he is still abusive, it isn't going to work. a friend gave me some great advice once - when they say 'it's all your fault', don't believe them. If keeping your marriage vows are worth the cost of being abused often, and threatened, and worse to come, consider the cost to you of maintaining this relationship. And to your children. You have the power of the law on your side - in the form of apprehended violence orders and such. Perhaps your spouse will not realise that you have those powers until you use them. And he may change of his own volition (you on your own cannot change anyone), or you will, because you now have a choice, possibly for the first time in your marriage. Marriage vows are not intended to keep you in a harmful relationship - only you can keep yourself in one. I have seen so many women leave harmful relationships and they absolutely blossom and often achieve great things! They did not know their own potential - they just had to be freed from a toxic relationship. I wish you strength and light in whatever action you decide to take. apologies are all very well, but comes the time for action so they won't be necessary any more. It's your call - strength to your arm! It won't be easy but it will be worth it. And it doesn't have to be forever - give yourself a break and see - at least for six months, twelve would be better. We are all behind you. Shalom.

(6) yaniv, November 1, 2010 11:07 AM

Verbal abuse

My sister was in married for 12 years with a husband that would shout and humiliate her. One of the problems with dealing with such a situation is that it seems like a relatively small thing compared to a whole marriage, something that can be tolerated. And something that can be worked on/refined/fixed. This is sometimes a dangerous illusion.

(5) Sarah, November 1, 2010 10:26 AM

To hurt and stressed: I'd suggest also checking whether his behavior is not related to borderline personality disorder. May Hashem help you and guide you.

(4) Allie, October 31, 2010 7:25 PM

Gratitude

I think one of the easiest ways to instill a sense of gratitude in children is to let them see, first-hand, how much they have as opposed to others. This is, in my opinion, most easily accomplished by having them do volunteer work. For example, I might not take children to work in a food bank, because they see the food but not the need (in this, I mean working in a food bank is too abstract conceptually for most children to internalise). Instead, having them help out in a soup kitchen quickly puts a "face" on hunger (something I'm assuming the children in question do not experience). Or how about having them organise a sock drive in their school for the homeless (which also looks great on college applications if they need to "get something" out of the work)? People often remember to donate items like coats or used clothing to the homeless, but they forget that homeless people need basic things like socks. Organising a sock drive, then having the children take those socks (something mundane I'm sure the children have an abundance of) to the homeless shelter can also put a face to another need they may not have thought about. There are other things people can do, like having kids go to an animal shelter to walk or wash dogs and puppies. Or community clean-ups of bad neighbourhoods, where people walk along the sidewalks and collect trash (this obviously can't be done with small children). I think it's easier to teach a child gratitude for what s/he has when the child is looking at and directly helping people who do not have the basic necessities of life the child takes for granted.

(3) SusanE, October 31, 2010 6:07 PM

If He Truly Made up it Would not Happen Again.

""but we always make up and everything is great again"" --------------------------------------------------------- Oh My. Such a denial statement. You don't makeup and everything is not great again or you wouldn't be writing to Emuna. He makes you cry over and over, and it is affecting your daily life with fear. You never know when it will happen again and how violent it will be next time.. What exactly do you love most about his putting his hands on you and his screaming at you? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It will get worse. The advice from Shirley Lebovics, LCSW should be followed right now.

(2) Gail, October 31, 2010 5:05 PM

call the police

The woman in the abusive relationship should have been told to call the police the first time she is hit. Sometimes this is the only thing that will wake up an abusive spouse - they have to listen. No one deserves to be hit. She also needs some emotional self-confidence and should have someone she can trust in her corner.

(1) Anonymous, October 31, 2010 4:38 PM

Please make sure you get the proper help and support. I was in an abusive marriage for 30 years. I and one of my children suffered terribly. The whole family suffered. I stayed in for reasons that don't make so much sense now. I thought I had to, I thought it would get better, I thought I could fix it, and I thought that was the life Hashem was giving me and of course for the children. All are the wrong reasons. No one should live with abuse, physical, sexual, or emotional. I am divorced now and am happy and can laugh, have a life and am proud of the person that I am. Find a group of supportive friends. I found Rabbis don't understand and told me to stay in. Good Luck.

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About the Author

Emuna Braverman

Please check out Emuna’s new book A Diamond for Your Daughter – A Parent’s Guide to Navigating Shidduchim Effectively, available through Judaica Press

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.